This is from I am sorry for this being so late! I had a hard drive failure and it’s really been unusually hectic.

I don’t read a lot of erotica, so I don’t know its styles and conventions. This does have a lot of interesting ideas. I’m not sure, but your main character seems to travel along wires? I think she materializes in the room, but I wasn’t sure that’s what happened.  Like she's part computer program or somehow gets converted into one, and then becomes human.  I did notice, maybe because of the language barrier, or maybe you were worried about dA censorship, but a lot of the scenes seem like they’ve been summarized. I want to point out a few paragraphs where description is working really well, like the beginning of section 2, first three paragraphs of that section are very sexy, and we get really good descriptions of actions and sensations. But then in section 4, third paragraph, “And we spent about ten minutes mesmerizing and caressing us, mutually.”  It's hard to picture this, but later in the paragraph we can see more clearly what's going on.  The equipment is also an interesting touch, it’s not too confusing, and you’re generally very clear about what they do and why they’re relevant, but the names are unfamiliar and make me feel like there’s something I’ve missed.

I find myself recommending style guides kind of a lot, maybe too often, but I think they’re under appreciated, especially for second-language learners. I would love to get my hands on one for German or Spanish. For English, Strunk and White’s Manual of Style is a pretty good one (however, they claim that “will” as a modal verb only means the future in the second and third person, and that it still means want in the first person; this is incorrect, at least in America; I will/you will/she will are all future tense).

I'm gonna be honest, lol, this is the third erotica I've ever read.  Here's one I thought was a lot of fun, and maybe you'll enjoy reading it: strangehorizons.com/fiction/wi… The author's kind of sarcastic humor really got me into it--I'm not sure how much of it will translate, but there's also some interesting world-building and we get to know the characters some.  There isn't much plot, but it's still fun.  The other was A Fox Tale by Eric M. Deal, which is a full-length novel, with a complete secondary plot.  I wasn't a big fan of his writing style, but it's more examples of vivid descriptions.  2312 by Kim Stanley Robinson is Scifi, not erotica, but there is a sex scene most of the way through, same deal.  A lot of the things I've picked up might not apply to erotica, but I think some apply generally.  Specificity is your friend.  I think you have a talent for creating good images, but it would help you to use it more.  Even in the parts that are not sexual, like when they cross the room to get over to the Billy Bob guy, you don't say what their moves are, so it comes off a little sudden.  "Show, don't tell," is the saying.  Shouldn't take it to mean that summary is always bad, but it's easy to do too much summarizing.  I did enjoy reading this, even if I pointed out issues.  Good luck.